deep breaths

I say this not without taking lots of deep, deep breaths.  At my most recent ultrasound, we went in excited to see our twins since our last ultrasound was weeks ago.  Earlier that week I was cramping a little bit and had a bad feeling.  The doctor began the ultrasound and saw that Twin B no longer had a heartbeat.  It broke our hearts.

Twin B had some swelling around it's heart.  We had a 3-D ultrasound following up and the specialist said the baby had just died within days of this ultrasound since both babies were the same size.  He also found that twin B was a boy.  It broke our hearts into so many pieces.  

Twin A is looking really healthy and strong which helped ease the pain but just had me on my knees, praying for twin B with all my energy, hoping that there could be a miracle.  In times like this, I'm reminded it's not in my hands, but in Gods.  I told Him I would do whatever He wants me to do, because it's not my will but His.  It is so hard sometimes to give up your wants over what is suppose to happen, especially when it's out of your hands.  Floods of memories came back to when I was pregnant with Isaac, my first baby boy, those sad doctor appointments leading up to his birth and then death.  Ever since we had the news that this pregnancy was safe, that there were two, I felt like the news was too good to be true.  I am use to trials, I can handle trials so this seemed more normal to me, or maybe it's the fact that I have realized I chose so many trials before I came here.  The story of Job in the scriptures is what holds me together in sad times like this.  What's the hardest part of it all is seeing my sweet husband feel the pain.  I wish I could take that pain away from him so he doesn't have to feel it.  We loved this little boy and still do.  We have no idea the reason or the purpose of this, but we know everything is going to be okay.  

The few friends I told were so sweet to visit me and set this centerpiece on my table, bring me food, bring me flowers, send me gifts.  I have felt so much love.  Through trials we find the silver-lining and also people can find ways to help each other.  I'm so grateful to be surrounded by wonderful family and friends.